Tuesday, May 7, 2013

My Life Is Easier Now?

My life is easier now.  

I came to this startling conclusion over this past weekend.  I was getting Isaac down for his afternoon nap, and of course, he was flopping around and fighting sleep.  I was not frustrated with him per se, but it took a good long while for him to go to sleep, and when he finally did, I breathed out a sigh of relief.  

I was thinking to myself, good grief, I wish this child would go to sleep.  Cripes, I have all sorts of stuff to do.  Cleaning, trying to get my house in order organization-wise, bills that need paying, cleaning, catching up with friends, writing thank you notes, and did I mention cleaning?!

When he finally did go to sleep, as I waited for him to get settled down, I started browsing on my phone.  Facebook.  Then Amazon App and Overstock.com, looking for things to decorate my home with, books I want to read, clothes I want to buy... And suddenly I realized something.

This is the life.  This, right here.  This is it.

All I really had to do was get my child down for a nap and spend half an hour shopping online.(Note:  Smartphones still amaze me).  And what's even better, is that all I really had to do after that was clean my brand-new home, shop for things for my home, and fill my home with the love of my husband and little boy.  

Spending an afternoon like this, when I think about it, is really quite luxurious.  For the first time in years and years, I didn't have to worry about school.  Papers, projects, notes to be typed, research to do....  Now, I will tell you right now how grateful I am for my education.  Not everyone is as blessed as I am to be able to go to school on the GI Bill, then get my Master's degree from a highly ranked University.  Stressful as it may have been, I know how lucky I am.  I have had opportunities others have not even come close to.  And trust me, I am humbled and awed by that.  I think, and hope, that I see the bigger picture, that I see the things put into place that made me so lucky.  To have that foundation upon which to build my education.  Supportive parents, the military, enough money so that I could spend more time studying and less time working in college.  And let me tell you something else:  My education does not make me better than anybody.

But at any rate, school always stressed me out.  To the max.  I love learning and the fact that I went to school, but actually being in school, with that constant feeling like you are never finished, that there is always more to be done, was always so overwhelming to me.

I always thought that being in school was the hardest thing and the most stressful thing I would deal with.  Not ever, maybe, but in my mind, no matter what would come after I was done with school, I would not have to deal with that issue AND school.  I would always be done with school at least.

I had forgotten that.  I had forgotten my feelings on that matter.  

But this weekend, as I sat listening to my baby boy's even breathing, his little hand curled on my chest, shopping for garden statues and marble bathroom accessories, it hit me like a ton of bricks.  How many times did I wish just for this type of moment?  Where I could just relax and the things I would stress about were things like the right bathroom accessories?  Where Sundays I could take the time to care for my home and family instead of rushing through just to stay on top of things until the next paper was due?

Not to say I'm not stressed.  I'm still struggling with postpartum depression.  Kids are hard, and my constant anxiety and worry can be draining.  The sheer amount of things I need to do at home overwhelm me easily. 

But there are things that are a lot harder.  Harder than healthy, happy little boys with lots of energy.  Harder than attending graduate school.  Harder than cleaning my brand-new home.  Because those things are blessings.  There are mothers out there struggling to make it to work, who are balancing their child's special needs with their minimum wage job.  Who are disabled.  Who don't have enough money to feed their families.  So am I stressed?  Yes.  But it's a different kind of stress.  The kind I told myself that I would be grateful to have if I ever made it out of school alive.  

And I am grateful.  So dare I say, my life is easier now.  


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